The Amish + deception + pitchforks + quilts= MURDER!!!

The Catbox is back, ladies and gentlemen. It’s back because there was an excellent episode of Murder, She Wrote on last night that you should all know about. Here’s what happened:

Jessica was in Pennsylvania to meet with her publisher (I’m guessing) and decides to head out to some quaint Amish town to buy a lovely Amish quilt for her nephew’s anniversary. What nephew’s doesn’t want a hand-made Amish quilt? Anyway, her publisher’s liaison offers to drive her there so she doesn’t have to take the bus. As they get to town they are run off the road by some teenage buggy driver who was going around the corner too fast. Her driver hurt his back and they have to rely on the hospitality of the local Amish folk because it’s Sunday and neither the car (nor his back) can be fixed.

Well, it turns out that her driver grew up in the Amish community and was shunned 5 years prior. This creates a lot of tension and drama, but Jessica handles it like a pro…she keeps quiet every time a fight is about to erupt. It’s like she wants to see a couple of guys duke it out. Anyway, the main Amish elder (who, by the way, is maybe 40….and is the leader even though there are tons of old men around who are always dispensing their Amish wisdom) who shunned him ends up dead. Not to fear, though, because Jessica’s on the case. She uncovers that the shunned driver and the elder’s wife (played by Gwendolyn form Charles in Charge) used to have the hots for each other and were probably going to get married so the elder told the driver he was going to sully her reputation, thus causing a fight for which the driver could not fully repent without revealing what the elder had said. So he was shunned to protect the woman he loved.

Then there is a pregnant woman (also shunned) selling quilts that Jessica somehow determined had an affair with the elder. When the pregnant woman confronted him about it there was a tussle and he fell on a pitchfork (allegedly). So there you have it. According to Angela Lansbury and the writers of Murder, She Wrote the Amish are a clan of murderous, aldutering liars.

When they met…it was MURDER! (or How Life Is Like an Episode of Hart to Hart)

Recently the Carlklef Chronicles had an informative, yet controversial, post about Chili’s. Everyone seemed to have strong opinions regarding the food, service, and atmosphere one can expect to find at this eating establishment. Some people seemed to have a less than stellar experience at one time or another. I, on the other hand, have fond memories of Chili’s, particularly of the O’Hare airport Chili’s. This is where I first met Ross. Fond memories, indeed.
As you may already know, Kitty and I are practically life-long friends having known each other from our days of working together at PRA during her all too short career in medical research. We did everything together, from attending lame social work gatherings to touring the zoo for another lame social work gathering. The zoo trip also involved Kitty’s imaginary boyfriend at the time. (I say imaginary because she claims he existed, yet I don’t remember him at all.) Perhaps doing research opened her eyes to all of the potential lawsuits and she thought…hmmm, I should be an ambulance chaser. Whatever it was, she decided to leave her friends and her career at PRA and head to law school at BYU.
Now, you’d think that being a law student would be rather demanding and not leave any time for a social life. Not true for Kitty. She met a guy who she later tricked into marrying her. That guy was Ross. I remember hearing about him and getting an engagement announcement with photo. I even received an invitation to a post-wedding reception. I was not, however, invited to the wedding. Kitty claims it was because non-Mormons aren’t allowed in the Tabernacle. (Or could it be that I was the one that “got away” and it would have been too painful for her to see me there? I guess we’ll never know.) Anyway, Kitty was still in law school and needed to prep for finals so they took a short honeymoon and got right back to the books. A big trip to Spain was planned for the day after graduation.
Despite snubbing me with the wedding invite, Kitty and I remained friends and she said, “hey, Todd, why don’t you come to Spain with me and Ross.” So then I said, “sure, why not.” We planned and planned…well Ross planned. Suddenly, Kitty graduated and the next day the trip began.
I had not yet met Ross at this time. He and Kitty were in SLC and I was in KC. We were to meet up in Chicago and then fly to Madrid. I landed in Chicago first, or so I thought, and waited for them to arrive and call me. I even looked to see which gate would come in at and headed that way to meeting them. Along the way I was walking past the airport Chili’s enjoying the savory aromas when what to my wondering eyes should appear…Kitty. She was sitting with some man, who I did not know, ready to enjoy a delicious meal. Well, I stomped right over there and said, “what the freak? Were you just going to eat without me and leave me for dead?” I’m not sure of the precise wording of her response, but I’m sure it was something along the lines of “yes, yes I was”. Amid the awkwardness of the situation Kitty introduced Ross and I, and the honeymoon began and lasted for the next 11 days. We spent about a solid 24 hours together between the flight (which landed at 7:30am) and the whole day touring Madrid checking things out.
Anyone that has been around Kitty and me at the same time knows that it is a wild ride of delightful entertainment that never gets old. At the end of the day we went to our separate rooms. Well, I did. Ross and Kitty bunked together. Once they were alone, the first thing Ross said to Kitty was “wow, Todd really gets away with a lot”. Of course the next morning the first thing Ross said to Kitty was “just close your eyes, it’ll all be fine” when the alarm clock went off. Ross has a lot of good quotes on that trip. The next week and a half Ross enjoyed eating sandwiches and what he referred to as “herding a couple of cats (or loud Americans)”.
So that is how Ross and I met. No one was ever murdered so I guess it really isn’t all that much like an episode of Hart to Hart. But you do have to admit that was a great show and they should really thing of bring it back.

Why everyone should be watching The View

I don’t know if any of you watch The View starring Whoopi Goldberg and other A-list celebrities, but yesterday Sherri Sheppard made an A of herself (again) by knowing pretty much nothing about history. You may remember on a previous show she seemed to be under the impression that the world is flat, thus showing her complete lack of geographical knowledge. Well yesterday she demonstrated her lack of education in history during a discussion of ancient civilizations. For whatever reason one of the ladies mentioned the Greeks and the Romans and Sherri opened her mouth to say Jesus was before all that. Apparently she didn’t get the memo explaining “BC”. Don’t get me wrong, I like Sherri. I think she is really funny, just not all that bright.
Now, as awesome as it was, this was not by any means my favorite part of the show. The best was during an interview with little known Republican presidential candidate, Texas Congressman, and OB/GYN, Ron Paul. Co-host Joy Behar seemed very excited that he was going to be on and was looking forward to talking with him like she was totally in his corner. Then mid interview she says to him “which other Republican candidate would you vote for because you know you’re probably not going to win, right?” Everyone’s jaws just dropped and no one knew what to say. Joy was shocked that everyone else was stunned by her statement. Granted, everyone on earth was thinking it (I mean, come on, I’d never even heard of Ron Paul), but she totally slapped him in the face with that one.

The ToddCat digs deep in the Catbox once again

So I am right at this moment bravely facing my imminent death. I am sitting at the airport in Kansas City waiting for my flight to Chicago then on to Indianapolis for meetings and my company holiday party. Anyway, my flight is delayed because Chicagans are apparently big wusses when they get a little snow. So I'm sitting here patiently waiting and the fire alarm goes off followed by an announcement over the PA system that everyone needs to leave the building while they decide if there really is a fire. Well, you can imagine what kind of pandemonium that lead to. Actually it lead to no pandemonium, but did cause a lot of negative attitudes and complaining. No one moved a muscle to save their lives by fleeing the flames of death. We all just sat bravely staring death in the face. Then, like an angel from heaven, a Southwest employee said "don't leave, it's just a problem with the alarm." Whew! That was a close one. This near death experience has made me realize just how important I am to all of my faithful readers and that there is no way any of you could expect to survive without my delightful stories and wise wisdom to guide you through the trials and tribulations of life. Therefore, the blog is back in action so you won't suffer any longer.

New Furniture

I've been looking to move closer into Kansas City than I am at my current residence in the far away suburbs with a cow farm across from my nieghborhood, but alas, I have not been able to find the perfect house. I decided that while I'm waiting for perfection to come along, why not completely refurnish my current home which I am ready to abandon? Today, I received the latest funiture shippment for the living room. I still have to order a couple of tables and the painters have not worked their magic, but I knew everyone would want to see. The new living room funiture consists of 2 leather club chairs, a sofa with chaise and area rug.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?

I'm introducing yet another new segment on the Catbox entitled WHAT YOU TALKING' 'BOUT? It’s all about trivia whether it be movies, TV, or general A-list celebrity gossip. You will find no sports trivia here as that sort of information is completely useless and amuses no one. For this first round of WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT trivia, we will dwell on the beloved and sadly missed hit show Murder, She Wrote starring Angela Lansbury. Here we go...

1. What was the first novel written by JB Fletcher?
2. What is the name of her deceased husband? (No, Mr. Fletcher won't do. I need a first name.)
3. What was Jessica's maiden name? (Extra points if you can give me her full name...what does that B stand for???)
4. What was Jessica's street address in Cabot Cove, Maine?
5. Jessica wasn't always a famous author of murder mysteries. What career had she retired from before becoming a novelist?
6. Jessica eventually moved to Manhattan. What was her phone number there?

These are real questions with real answers. As a bonus, here are some extra credit questions:

1. How many seasons did this hit show last?
2. How many times was Ms. Lansbury nominated for an Emmy for this role? How many times did she win?
3. What was the only spin-off from Murder, She Wrote?

Good luck!!!

Who's That Celebrity???

This week’s celebrity guest has an IQ of 162 and was admitted to UCLA at the tender age of 14. This early exposure to college life apparently had an impact on the future actress because she really got around the block. She has been married 4 times (so far) and her current husband is Robert Wagner. You may remember him from his role as Jonathan Hart on the hit show Hart to Hart, co-starring Stephanie Powers. Our celebrity has also been known to date a number of famous others including Henry Kissinger, Frank Sinatra (Frank’s daughter Nancy was a high school classmate of hers), and Sean Connery.

Our celebrity guest is probably most famous for her role as a bond girl, playing Tiffany Case opposite Sean Connery in Diamonds are Forever (1971). Or could it be her role as the mother of Mikey, Kramer’s “little” friend, on Seinfeld?

Do you know who this celebrity is?

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Last summer my dear friend Kitty began knitting me a scarf to help me survive the bitter cold of winter. Her knitting went on into the fall, winter, and the following spring before finishing it this summer. During my recent weekend O' fun in Chicago, Kitty finally presented her fine handiwork to me. Here you see me modeling my new wrap.

It is a luxurious, hand-made, garment crafted out of the finest baby alpaca wool from the Peruvian Andes. I like to think the cria (official term for baby alpaca) donated its fleece to Locks of Love and those warm, woolen locks will now be keeping my neck toasty all winter long. Thank you little alpaca baby for your sacrifice and thank you Kitty for your excellent needle skills. My neck will be very appreciative all winter.

Dear Abby

HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT (but he totally loves me)

I was dating this guy, I’ll call him “Ryan”, at work who was totally obsessed with me, then got promoted and moved away. I wanted him back so I told him that I was dating lots of other guys (black guys mostly) and also that I was pregnant (total lie) and keeping it. Then, for no reason at all, he gets totally upset that I lied to him about being pregnant. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he says we are never going out again. I don’t get it. Then I started dating “Darrel” who works in the warehouse. We are totally in love, but he wants to spend time with another woman. I told him “you have to make a choice. It’s either your daughter or me.” He picked his daughter, but I know he didn’t mean it. I told him I need to know where this is going and he said “you need to access your un-crazy side.” Darrel is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?

Sincerely,

Crazy in Love Kelly

Movie Trivia

A guy at my company had some free film festival tickets to give away this morning and decided to make them a prize to a movie trivia contest. the contest is over, but I thought it would be fun for the Catbox readers. Do you know the answers??

1. Name the film that won best picture at last year’s Academy Awards (the most recent Awards show), and name two stars from that film.

2. The film “Steel Magnolias” featured a rather unusual wedding that included an even more unusual cake. What was unusual about the cake, and what color was the cake (both the icing and the cake itself)?

3. I asked this question once upon a time in one of our old newsletters, but I like it so much I’m going to ask it again. In “Back to the Future,” the mall where Marty McFly and Doc Brown meet to test the DeLorean has different names at the beginning and end of the film. What is the name of the mall at the beginning of the film, what does it change to, and why does it change?

Baby Jessica

You may recall when 18-month old Jessica McClure fell down in a Texas well and the world watched from the edge of their seats waiting to see the toddler emerge. It took 2 1/2 days to get her out of there, just long enough for random strangers to send in lots of gifts and over $1 million in cash. Her story was later turned into the 1989 made-for TV movie, Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure, starring Beau Bridges. Rent it today at your local Blockbuster. (Seriously, someone needs to watch this and post a review.)

That was 20 years ago on Tuesday and Jessica, now a 21-year old mother, is waiting to turn 25 when she will cash in on all the money in her trust. If you fell down a well as a small child and were about to come into a pile of money from a bizzare event you don't even remember happening, what would you do?

Who’s That Celebrity???

Born September 12, 1955 in New Rochelle, New York, this actor’s boyhood dream was to be a professional baseball player, but lucky for us, he seriously injured his elbow and was unable to play. Instead, he went on to play one of two cross-dressing roommates in the 1980's ABC television sitcom Bosom Buddies. His co-star, Tom Hanks, went on to greater fame and fortune, but we all know the real talent lies within our featured actor. His most critically-acclaimed role was playing Michael Harris in the series Newhart. He was nominated for an Emmy Award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series in 1987, 1988 and 1989 for the role. Later, he would star in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show. He co-starred with Yasmine Bleeth in the 1996 made-for-TV movie Talk to Me about an idealistic talk show producer who clashes with her ratings obsessed boss on a story involving a young prostitute.

In addition to acting he has juggled recreationally for years, attended numerous conventions of the International Jugglers' Association and has performed as a juggler in the television show Circus of the Stars.

Can you name this star?

Dear Abby

Today begins a new era in the Catbox with the birth of a segment called “Dear Abby”. I will post all sorts of interesting situations for which advice is desperately needed. Then you, my loyal readers, will be providing said advice to guide those that have lost their way. These are real situations…or perhaps stolen from the real lives of real characters on real TV sit-coms. No advice is too harsh or inappropriate; just tell us what you really think in your heart of hearts (which is the tiny heart inside your beating heart). Our dear friend, and loyal commenter, Abby will be comment-advising with you as if this segment was named specifically for her…because it was. I am sure she will have excellent advice, but do not let that deter the rest of you from commenting. Here is our first sticky situation from a reader in Scranton, PA:

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Dear Abby,
I am an accountant at a mid-range paper supply company and have been in a relationship with the top paper salesmen at my local branch. Then he murdered my cat, Sprinkles, and I had to break up with him. How do you tell someone it’s over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?

Sincerely,

Soon to be Single in Scranton

PS- Do you have any men that you could fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.

Who's That Celebrity???

This popular celebrity is famous for starring in TV shows such as Family and Family Ties. However, she is probably best know for her Emmy nominated performance in the Lifetime made-for-TV movie A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story in which she portrayed Betty, a San Diego socialite convicted of murdering her former husband and his mistress-turned-wife. (The real Betty, also know as prisoner W42477 and currently residing in the Central California Women's Facility, will be up for parole in March 2010.)

Our celebrity's mother was a co-creator of the hit TV show One Day at a Time.

Can you name this star?

Who's That Celebrity???

This week I'm introcuding a new game called Who's That Celebrity where I'll post a picture of a well know A-lister and you have to guess who it is. Here is this week's celebrity:

She is mostly famous for being the mother of another celebrity by has had a glittering career of her own in which she had been a psychic and has also made an excercise for seniors video with Richard Simmons. Today, she is available for public speaking engagements about her psychic abilities and is also into Rumpology. I swear I am not making this up. On her web site it tells you how, for a mere $125, you can send her a close-up picture of your butt (still not making this up) and she will do a reading for you. Now where did I put that camera....

Can you guess who she is?

The Cornballer

Another top gift this year is sure to be the Cornballer.

“The Cornballer was invented by George Bluth Sr. sometime in the 1970s. He attempted to market it in the United States by taping an infomercial with fitness guru Richard Simmons, but the infomercial was interrupted when he burned himself using the device, then lost his temper and attacked Simmons. He suffered a further setback when the device was deemed unsafe for anyone and was banned across the globe.
However, despite these setbacks, he was able to market the device illegally in Mexico by redubbing his infomercial saying, "¡Soy loco por los Cornballs!" to make it appear as though George Sr. was not burned, but rather was "crazy for cornballs". This made him into something of a cultural icon in Mexico, and when Mexican officials staged his execution, an editorial cartoon in a Mexican newspaper showed him being dipped into a Cornballer with the caption "Frito Bandito".”

Christmas Wish List

I have discovered the hot item that will undoubtly be on everyone's wish list this Christmas:

American Idol Talent Challenge.


A DVD karaoke machine based on the popular television show. The unit connects to a television, comes with a working microphone and mixer and 12 songs to test your talent.

Compete with friends, who rate you using the DVD remote. You'll hear reactions to your performance from "American Idol" judges Randy, Paula and Simon.
Retail price: $49.99

I don't want to name names, but I know one sad kitty who will be singing the blues if she doesn't get this for Christmas.

Christmas Card Crisis

Two years ago I found some strap-on antlers at Target and took a delightful and charming photo of my dogs, Tanner & Maggie, for my 2005 Christmas card. Receiving lots of accolades for what was pretty much just done on a whim, I decided I needed to step it up the next year. That resulted in the photo of them dressed up as Mary and Joseph tending to an illuminated yard ornament baby Jesus. It is now an annual tradition and I find myself with no viable ideas on what to do for 2007. I desperately need help thinking of something that will top them all. Whoever comes up with the winning idea will win a prize, which will be inclusion on this year’s Christmas card list. What should I do? Please advise.

Let's play Scruples

A good friend on mine (who is completely unaware this blog exists) recently found himself in a bit of a pickle that I thought everyone should know about. Immediately after the alleged events transpired he sent this email to a group of friends to get their take on the situation. These are his words, not mine; however, your feedback should be your own, not stolen from someone else like I am doing. For whatever reason, this reminded me of the classic board game Scruples, but maybe I don't have the most accurate recollection of how that game worked.
____________________
I just got back to my desk after encountering what I deem to be a ‘new classic’ social dilemma. I’m in the restroom, about to finish up my morning business. A guy enters the stall next to me and starts his business. 5 seconds later, his cell phone rings. He answers.

Now, I’m in a tight spot. This is work. I’m not sure if the call is work-related, or what. I decide one thing immediately. I can’t flush. That would potentially out the dude for taking calls in the john. However, as I’m finished now myself, what do I do next?

I figure I have three choices:
(1) I sit back down and wait for him to finish and eavesdrop on his entire conversation. (Somewhat creepy…)
(2) I whisper over the wall and see if he’ll flush for me. (Extremely creepy…)
(3) I go wash my hands and get the hell out of there. (Not creepy, but just gross. Remember, we’re in an un-flushed situation here…)

Of course, I opt for option 3. Sure, someone will have to take care of flushing for me, which is something I absolutely can’t stand, but I didn’t like the other options.

What would you have done???
_____________________
So there you have it. I want to know WW_D? (Enter your initial in the blank)

Digital Dilemma

I have a big life decision to make and I'm not sure which way to turn. I want ot upgrade my cable service. Right now I have the bare bones basic cable service from Comcast. It's not even digital. (I know, it's pretty pathetic.) I want to upgrade to digital, HDTV, and DVR... just the necessities to enjoy some quality TV. I don't want a dish on the house so I am left with 2 options: (1) Comcast or (2) AT&T U-verse. Comcast's package includes phone service. AT&T doesn't, but with them I will be able to program my DVR by logging onto the internet which is a big plus since I will be traveling each week. So I need guidance and feedback. Does anyone out there have either Comcast or AT&T U-verse service? I need to know the pros and cons. I need to know now!